Dear so and so … getting a few things off my chest.


Dear children,
When I’m at my laptop I am not always ‘writing my books’. Honestly. Quite often, I am planning fun days out with Tesco Clubcard tokens (it takes a lot longer than you’d think), emailing Lego about your missing magazine, ordering presents for your birthday or booking flights to see your cousins at Christmas. OK. Oh, and I love you very much.

Dear Royal Baby,
Where ARE you, for crying out loud?

Dear Robert Galbraith,

Dear cat,
Please can you decide whether you want to be in or out so I can actually finish typing a page without having to get up to open the kitchen door.

Dear Twitter,
You keep distracting me. Stop it. Stop it now. No. I mean it. Stop.

Dear neighbour’s dog,

Dear laptop,
Please stop doing that freaky thing when you sound like a 747 taking off. It concerns me greatly.

Dear cat,
I didn’t mean it. Please come back. Please be my friend.

Dear ‘Book Three’,
It will all start to make sense soon. I promise.

Dear Tanqueray,
I have tonic and I’m not afraid to use it.

Dear editor,

Dear house,
Please stop scowling at me. I promise I will clean you very, very soon. Possibly in September.

Dear agent,

Dear children,
Yes, you can a) dress up, b) get an ice lolly, c) take your socks off, d) change your top, e) have a cookie, f) call on your friends. No, you cannot watch any more cartoons.

Dear sunshine,
Please keep your hat on. It really, really suits you and makes me very happy.

Dear readers,
Thank you. Thank you very, very much.


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